Parts of Me

Dear Parts,

I never saw you coming. I never heard a sound…but I felt you. I remember the night you first whispered, “I’ve got your back.” I remember the twisted wire pulling tighter and tighter around my head, bones breaking, and the taste of metallic liquid on my tongue. I remember wicked black eyes and a fierce intention of survival—even then, I felt your presence cling to my back. I know now, that I never stood a chance. Showing yourself to me as a Hero was secretly sacrificial…humbling and yet, a betrayal all the same.

I practiced cutting the steel, seeking freedom nightly from the bottomless pit of hell and failing. I clung to the hope that when the moment came, I’d be well versed in survival and that death would wait once more. You repeatedly showed me the grim results at 3:26 am, and when time—once again—shut the door in my face…you were there. You offered me hope as I stood naked before that floor-to-ceiling mirror. You were there when I choked on life, you lifted me up when I pleaded for clemency…you became a shadow, never leaving my side, teasing me with your truth, yet ridiculing my devotion.

I became a studied Warrior, clothed in gaunt flesh, with a burning gut and taxed memories. You suspended food before my eyes and encouraged me to gorge on its richness, only to witness it being cast from my belly, like yesterday’s trash. Week by week, year by year, you taunted me with loyalty, your intentions eventually revealing an unjust truth: I could no longer survive without you.

You became a refuge of sorts, a strength and my soulmate. You showed me that I could depend on you, bound as I was by fear and penitence, without testament. You forgave me my secret plans for your demise and reminded me, that in you, I could find happiness, acceptance, and beauty. I never questioned your truth—your intentions seemed clear. You saved me, and I owed you that much, or so I thought.

Years later, we met face to face. As I lay, soul dying, face down in a sea of two-inch Persian threads, you revealed your true design: YOU, with a false face and selfish intention. You wanted me dead. You pleaded with me to trust you and leave behind everyone I loved. I remember that moment all too well…the same moment that the warm breath of God filled my lungs. I heard you, you know. I heard your voice pleading with me to remember your piety, that I was nothing without you.

You lied.

I chose life and I chose my family. In your place, I reappointed God as my leading light. I vowed that day to share His unconditional love with every person I encounter. That is why I’m writing to you today. You provided me comfort for over six years, stood next to me while I suffered, and I thank you for that. You demanded perfection in place of failure.

I will LIVE, and I will breathe LOVE. I am Worthy, and I will live this journey fully, with purpose, and without you. Goodbye Shame, Self-hatred and Doubt. And good riddance, Bulimia. I stand here, naked in His truth and…I’m finally at peace.

Xx,

Kim