Chapter 1:

My name is Ruby. I do not know why my parents chose that name but once I was older, I was curious enough to look up its meaning on the internet. However, the name merely meant red and symbolized the color of fire and blood. Next I continued with the characteristics associated with the gemstone and found many meanings. For me, the negative ones included danger, war, and power. Yet the positive ones included love, passion, and determination. So, although I would never know my parents’ rationale for choosing my name, the positive associations proved to be prophetic, especially in my later years when I successfully accomplished a very unusual life mission.

To explain, I had four relationships during the course of my life, with each man providing very different perspective of love. Specifically, the four were as dissimilar from each other as any men could be. They were different ages, personalities, histories, and, as typical of New York City, different ethnic and religious backgrounds. Their only commonality was all were intelligent and that had been my initial attraction to each.

Carlos was the first. I met him in my early teens through friends but with no “chemistry” between us, he remained a friend instead of becoming a lover. Daniel was the second and my true soulmate. However, I left him after four years of our growing up together since he had a problem with drugs neither of us knew how to handle. Larry was a former high school teacher during my “make up and break up” times with Daniel but that brief relationship ended after I met and married Bruce, my husband for more than four decades by the time he died. Bruce and I married too young and over time love became frustration due to our basic incompatibility. Yet we never divorced. With a very busy life and financial constraints, I no longer believed in “true love” and defaulted to the status quo as the path of least resistance.

After Bruce’s death, I reflected on my life and all my past relationships. I already knew each was influenced by my age and life experience at the time but over the years these perceptions had naturally changed. Each decade redefines one’s psychology and I was no exception, with my past and potential future resulting in my present psychological context. Moreover, despite family and friends, growing old and dying is ultimately a singular journey.

As I reflected on my life. I started wanting to try to find my two past lovers. And if they were still alive, I wanted to see where life had taken them and explore the past. In short, this would be closure for me. And given my age, I was aware of my shorter future and began to feel an urgency for this quest.

Now retired and with a wealth of time as well as being financially secure, I had complete freedom for this exploration. I had always been adventurous and a risk taker and these traits would support my quest. I might not have the energy of my youth but my traitorous body was still the sepulcher of my eternally youthful mind.

And so, right after Bruce’s death, I reflected on my life in the comfort of my Manhattan apartment, while looking out at the Hudson River in an emotional cocoon. The sun streaming through my windows was a warmth exceeding the physical. But soon after, I became restless and wanted to continue my life journey.