Men On The Cusp

Stepping onto My Path

My first call to be a more engaged man came as a young adult, in the form of a depression. Having some difficulties in my relationships and feeling isolated, I was struggling. My way of handling it then was to try to put it out of my head. It would go away by ignoring it. That was my plan. But it got worse. I was critical of myself for feeling depressed and at other times blamed the people around me for causing it. Through a recommendation of a friend, I decided to seek professional help and it eventually paid off. With time, things began to make sense. There were parts of myself I had kept hidden and protected, and other areas that were new and exciting to discover. I began to see a clearer direction for myself, and more important, I started feeling good about me. The whole experience deepened my awareness of who I was, and showed me the possibility of who I could become. I was presented with an opportunity to grow, and unknowingly took the first step. It started me on a journey that armed me with some tools that I could use for the rest of my life.

There are many reasons why a man decides to make changes in himself and his life. He becomes tired of his pain and suffering and wants to feel better. He may be forced to examine himself when an addiction becomes overwhelming or he runs into legal trouble. Or, one day, he may just realize that time is limited and he wants more from his life. Being a better father, a more loving partner, or a more effective leader may be the motivation.

Deep inside, most of us know that the answers don’t lie outside of us. Our true power lies within. We start growing when we can connect to our inner power and become clearer about our direction. The men we admire are the men we want to be: He takes action when someone is being exploited. He musters the courage to admit his mistakes in a social or personal situation, choosing truth over fear. Or, maybe he risks a child’s momentary anger to set limits when they need protection, or when the child needs guidance in setting personal limits.

To understand why men must change in order to meet the change that is already upon us and what’s involved in the process, it’s important to understand his past and present place in society — how we got here. Putting men in the historical context of their role and its expectations will give us a dynamic picture of the interaction between a desire to expand personal boundaries and the container within which he was brought up, and continues to live and function.
In General

Men’s and Women’s roles were more specifically defined in the past and they worked prior to industrialization, at least for men. Women were confined to the home and to certain duties. Men were charged with fulfilling the role of bread-winner, and with that, they also had the power to make all the decisions. Today, of course this is no longer how things work. Tasks belong neither to one nor to the other, and everyone feels freer to choose and create their own roles. Some men have embraced their freedom and are branching out into new arenas and responsibilities. The number of stay-at-home fathers has increased markedly and some men are taking their positions more seriously when it comes to supporting their families and spending more time with their children.

Not all men have not been able to embrace and adjust to this changed world, even after decades.

In order to shift with the times, men must honestly ask themselves: What’s stop-
ping me from making choices that will create a fuller, happier life? What would have to change in order to make this happen?

Our cultural traditions have dictated the basic blueprint for gender roles and their structure has solidified as they pass through the generations. Change can be very disruptive to people. Many of us are uncomfortable with possibility and prefer to stay with the status quo — even when is it not satisfying! We dig in. We resist change. In this book, we’ll talk about that — and about paths to greater freedom, taking into account but not being confined by the past. One thing today’s man will need to know is how to be in an honest, working relationship with his partner, with the world. Many men don’t know how to connect and share personal ideas and feelings.
I know from experience (personal and professional) that we can learn — whether young or late in life — what it means to nurture and be nurtured, to trust and be trusted, and to love and be loved. Yes, women have found greater freedom to expand their place in society, and men can feel left behind — or we can realize our potential too.