I Remember

I remember. I remember being in this exact place. I remember the feel of the breeze on my face, the calm rustle of leaves floating across the lawn, and I remember the cold nipping at my nose and ears. What I remember most, though, is the pain. I remember the dark and empty feeling that followed. I just don’t remember why it happened. And I don’t remember when. All I know is I’ve been here before. More importantly, I remember him. Yes, the memories of how much love I had for him and the heartbreak that tagged along with his charm I remember all too fondly. But how is this possible? I’ve only been with him a few years, but it feels as though I’ve known him my whole life. Maybe it’s some cloudy memory of a movie, or maybe it’s my conscious looking out for me. Yet, I love him and hate him at the same time and I cannot fathom how or why on Earth I’m feeling this way. As I continue walking next to him, my mind wanders farther and farther away. “Are you okay?” Sam’s concern shows clearly on his face for my wellbeing. I don’t want his sympathy- I want answers. I want to know why I’m having trouble finding my breath and at the same time breathing heavier and heavier. “Leo? Are you okay?” Snapping out of it, I answer, “Yeah, sorry. I’m just having a bit of déjà vu. ” “What of?” He asks, probably whole-heartedly, but his presence this very instance is bothersome. “I feel like I’ve been here before and with you, but it wasn’t you. Not exactly, anyway. Does that even make sense?” I realize I probably sound bat shit crazy when I ask. “Well we’ve been here like a hundred times. It’s two blocks from our apartment, so..” He looks at me with a puzzled look and raises his left eyebrow in question- the same face he makes that sets me off lately. I used to think it was cute, but now it just boils my blood. The park we’re walking in is only a couple of blocks from the apartment we currently live in. We’ve been there for almost two years. He told me it’d be temporary until he can get us a house of our own. His empty promises reverberate around the inside of my head so constantly that I’m numb to hope of us lasting much longer. Rolling my eyes, I start walking faster to put some distance between us. “Why’d you ask if you don’t like my answer, Sam?” “Leo, you’re right. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it to sound like-“ “Like it was coming from an asshole?” I hiss the words before I even have time to think of them. “What’s your problem today? You’re acting like a dick for no reason and treating me like crap. I don’t have to take this from you, you know. I was fine all morning until I decided to walk home with you. Then it was like this huge, black cloud started following you around.” “My problem is your condescending tone and that awful fucking eyebrow raise you do when you look at me like I’m stupid. I think-“ I take a deep breath and slowly let it out trying to alleviate my racing heart. “I think we should take a break. I’m not happy lately and we fight more and more every day. You deserve better and I’m not it.” Sam looks at me in shock at first and walks away. He stands a few feet in front of me, staring off into the distance. “Sam?” I say, worried at his response. Letting out a dry laugh, he puts both his hands on his hips and turns around to face me, “Finally.” “Finally?” I repeat his singular, iron-clad word that suddenly weighs heavier on my chest. “Finally.” The smile leave his face so fast, I barely have time to prepare for what happens next. Running towards me, he grabs my shoulders hard and throws me to the sidewalk. The concrete, normally cold to the touch, is canceled out by the hot pain my hands are feeling. I lift my palms to see little craters imprinted by the force of them meeting the sidewalk. Quickly they start to itch and I turn my head to look up at Sam as he grabs the hair on the top of my head, pulling it back. Before I can let out a scream, he pulls back and slams his fist down on my jaw. As I keel forward and spit up a mouthful of blood and what I’m sure is a piece of one of my teeth, he kicks me in the stomach and suddenly the pain in my jaw is muted by the sudden contractions I’m having in my lower abdomen. I throw up blood and lunch and wipe my mouth with my sleeve, unaware if my attacker is still near or not. Sure enough, before I can pick myself up off the ground, I feel the hood of my jacket get pulled and I’m being dragged across the sidewalk into the damp, lightly frosted grass through shallow mud puddles until all I see are trees and shrubs surrounding us. “Sam! Please, stop!” I beg as I throw my hands over my face attempting to block whatever attack comes next. Instead, I feel a very sharp, hot feeling in my side. I let out a shriek as I look down and see a knife being pulled from my midsection and thrust back into my stomach, then back out and then back in, all the while he’s saying though gritted teeth, “Shut the fuck up!” Accepting my fate, I start to pass out, but not before I hear a woman shouting from not so far away. It must have startled Sam, because he ripped the knife from my stomach, wiped it on my now ripped and muddy jeans and ran.