Still Obsessed

prologue - LIV John DeMarcus has gone to trial. It happened not long after I was found in his possession. My lawyer, Michael, helped me through the process, and I am grateful that Jay’s dad, Warren, recommended him to help me through everything. I realize now I wouldn’t have known what to do on my own. Not even a little. Luckily the case moved through court quickly, and a jury unanimously found him guilty on all charges. Kind of hard to not see him as guilty when the key witness was sitting ten feet away recanting all the horrifying details of what he did. I felt so many emotions when I was telling the story on the stand in court. First, I was horrified that I had to tell a whole room of people about what he did to me while I was in his possession. Then of course the media outlets had gotten a hold of the details and spread it around as they pleased, making me relive all the awful memories that I wanted so badly to forget: how he had me shackled to a bed; how he put lingerie on me every day like I was his babydoll and slept in bed with me; how he would undress me and sit with me in the bathtub, rubbing his disgusting hands all over me; how he threatened to drown me if I didn’t act exactly how he wanted; how he cut me and made some really fucked-up art out of our blood. The only positive: I wasn’t raped. It felt awful that the topic had to be discussed in front of a sea of strangers, people who didn’t know me, who looked at me like I was nothing more than a story. I felt ashamed. Not because I had done anything wrong, but because I so badly never wanted any of it to happen in the first place. I never wanted that feeling of utter hopelessness, and then I had to share all my emotions with the rest of the world. It felt unfair, to say the least. Second, I was alarmed to see the sneer on John’s face as he sat across from me in the court room. I could see his evil mind travel back to that time while I was speaking about the lingerie, lying with me at night, bathing with him – it was certifiably disturbing. It was obvious he enjoyed listening to me talk about those days, and it brought him right back to where he desired to be, even if it was short-lived. The canvas that was plastered with our blood was on display with the rest of the evidence brought forward against John. Every time I had to look at it, I felt sick to my stomach. A small part of me is thankful that my parents weren’t there to hear and see all the details of what he did to me. I can’t imagine what they would have thought, how they would have felt. I guess them not having to bear that was the only silver lining of it all. I will never forget the mixed emotions running through me as the jury read their verdict and the judge gave John DeMarcus his sentencing. I felt raw, like I had been cut open, my hatred for him running out of me like a deep-seeded poison. I wanted to scream at him, but I had to keep myself in check. I also felt relief at the sound of the jury finding him guilty. My face was in my hands as the judge sentenced him to twenty years in prison. I hid my face – not because I was crying, but because I was hiding my smile. I couldn’t help it, I was grateful. Grateful my next twenty years could be lived without having to look over my shoulder, not wondering or fearing if he will come back for me. At least he won’t have that chance any time soon. PART 1 Chapter 1 - LIV It’s been six years since I’ve had a Christmas with my parents. When I try to remember what it felt like, my chest starts to ache and tears well up in my eyes, so I push the old memories away, and I wait until a day comes when I can better handle them. Thankfully this year will be different, a welcome distraction to the usual selfish pity party and borderline meltdown I tend to have during the holidays. Jay has invited me to his family Christmas at Warren and Lisa’s house, along with Brandon and Amanda. It's Christmas Day, and Jay should be at my house any minute to pick me up. I’ve asked him multiple times what I should wear, and like a typical guy he keeps saying, “Whatever you want.” Like that helps me out at all. So, I bypassed him and went to Amanda for help. She said she’s wearing jeans and a sweater, so I’m doing the same. I have on some wedge boots with light wash skinny jeans, and a long open-front sweater with pockets and a tank top underneath it. After Amanda and I met at Jay’s parents’ house back in October, I got her number from Jay and texted her. She had immediately replied to me; it was like she was sitting by her phone waiting for my text it was such a fast response. It made me happy that she wanted to talk to me, instead of being a new person in her life that she doesn’t care to talk to. We text back and forth often now, and in the last month or so have been out together a couple times for drinks in Pine Lake. Her normal demeanor is very mellow, but once she gets a couple cocktails in her she perks up and she has so much to talk about. It just comes bursting out of her like she keeps it bottled up – it’s really entertaining. The nights we had been out together I would tell Jay about how much she would talk, and he’d laugh and say how that is so unlike Amanda. I think he’s happy we get along so well. I have Brandon’s number now, too, but mostly he just sends me funny memes. I get the impression he’s not sure what to say to me, so for now our mostly-meme conversation is perfect for us. It’s entertaining in our own weird way. Thanksgiving this year with his family was great, but it was all still so new to me to be in a family setting. At first it was hard to relax. I felt a little out of place spending a holiday with someone else’s family. Family events just haven’t been on my radar in a long time. I need to get used to them again, and I have to say that is something I’m looking forward to. I don’t usually do anything exciting for Thanksgiving. If any of American Obsession has no plans, we will get together, usually in the practice shed at Joe’s house. We heat up frozen TV dinners, sometimes the ones with turkey and mashed potatoes if we can get lucky and find them, and binge watch random garbage on TV and have drinks until we fall asleep or get bored and go home. Thanksgiving Day Brandon and Amanda spent the day at her parents’ place, so Jay and I had dinner with his parents at their house. Lisa had invited us, and I know she was thrilled that someone was still able to make it for the holiday. I don’t blame her; I would feel the same if I were in her shoes. The day went by quickly, eating a late lunch/early dinner, and then all of us fell asleep scattered around on the living room couches. I never even got a chance to try and kick Warren’s ass at Scrabble; none of us had an ounce of energy after our big meal. It was great, though, and the meal Lisa prepared was a million times better than the normal TV dinner I usually get stuck eating with the guys. Now it’s Christmas Day. I’m comfortable with my outfit, have the presents picked out for Jay’s family, and have been put in charge of bringing desserts. I volunteered to bring wine too, of course, not like that surprised anyone. Christmas and New Year’s Eve will be my last holidays before starting the work for our first album, and I want to make the most of the short time. The AO boys and I will leave January 2nd for Los Angeles to record our album in the record labels studio. We will be there for a month, living in a rental house together that the record label has set up for us. We are all hoping to have the album done in a months’ time, so we don’t have to stay out there longer than we need to. We were given the material and have been practicing it daily for a few weeks now. I really don’t want to leave Jay behind, but I guess this is what we signed up for, and it’s time to face reality and take the leap.