The Art of Terror and Wonder

Les makes an effort to stand tall and face everyone directly. “My name is Les Henry,” he starts. “And I have roamed this earth for seventy-one years." Les is asserting his individuality before the infinite and is consciously putting what happens in the realm of spirit. "And in that time, I have seen the world go round and round.” He continues with strong projection. “And I have been a part of it. I have been a banker and a poet, a beekeeper and a car salesman.” Les is being revealing. Owen finds it interesting to learn some things about him. “I have dug ditches, literally, and for much of my time, I was a college professor, trying to distinguish the patterns of society from trends of the past. “But through it all,” he says, taking time to look at each of them, “the guiding force of my life has been the desire to make sense of this world, to stare into mystery, to exercise my intrigue and gain some understanding, and to satisfy the feeling of there being so much that is beyond me. And to that end, I have loved and I have lost, I have strived and I have tried….” Owen is surprised. Les is really going for it, throwing open his arms and reaching for what is inside. “As a person, I have stuttered around inside this skin. I have lived a life of stimulation, not to mention a life of woe and wrangling, a life of hope and best intention. I have lived my life believing my greatest moments were right in front of me. I have pranced and danced and gazed longingly at the moon. I have battled and I have buffooned, and I have thrown caution to the wind and heart and soul in all directions. I’ve chased my tail, banged my head, busted my butt, and lost my mind. There have been times when I thought I was climbing great mountains of understanding and others when my greatest hope was to be lost in space….” Owen has to smile; along with everyone else, he is getting a kick out of Les. But there is also a nervous quality to the group, as if no one knows exactly what is going on. Les continues. “I have been in love with nothingness and everything all at once. I have been a soldier for the forces of peace and politics and saving the world, and I have been a champion of personal indulgence and the dazzling esotericism of exotic spirituality. I also might add that I was married twice and both times divorced, and I have been decidedly in love on two other occasions. “And somewhere in the middle of all this, I came across this crazy Carlos stuff, and it quickly became the profoundest vision of anything I had ever encountered. The books whisked me to the far edges of my imagination then exploded my mind until I was left to stagger around and laugh my ass off. Yet the books were never anything more than rational; they just made so much sense, from a place inside of me that had never been so deeply touched. The material didn’t require leaps of faith, or that I line up other ideas and shoot them down. It only confirmed my deepest intuition and inspired my greatest rational ability. And I couldn’t get enough. All I ever wanted was a direction I could believe in, a vision big enough to encompass my deepest inclinations, to include everything I could imagine possible to being alive and human.” Owen is impressed. Les has adopted the role of orator. He is reaching for the crowd, reaching for some place inside himself, reaching for a connection to further dimension. “So I have pursued the material with all the power I had available. I dove into the world of don Juan with gusto, swam in its glory, bathed in its expanse, submerged myself in its sublime, and my only goal has been to continue its path, to be consumed by its magnitude.” At this point, Les pauses to hook up his oxygen. Nate and Daniel help him. Les directs that the tank be put up on one of the chairs so the tubes will reach to where he is standing. “But the books are a call to action,” he starts again in earnest, raising a finger to the crowd. “To anyone who has respect for his living, life has to be lived. What else is there? So I have kept moving toward the light, as the only light in the sky. I have thrown myself against the barrier of perception, I have tried to slip through on the wings of folly, and I have had my moments. But the further I have gone, the greater my awareness of the obstacles before me. And now I am faced toward the twilight of my years. I have learned to laugh at the bitter taste of defeat, and in my humility, I admit to having stepped back and bowed my head. I can feel death’s prowl. But the path is still open, and my only challenge is to traverse its length, and there I look breathlessly, breathlessly upon its wonders. All I have is my struggle. And as I look out over the landscape of my life, my greatest hindrance to my progress is having never fully accepted my fate, of never having stepped forward and accepted my true ticket to impeccability, the acceptance of my own warrior’s death that promises to both separate and liberate me from the world around. So before infinity as my witness, and before you as my friends, I announce as my conclusion that I am not dead enough…dead to hope…dead to desire…dead to definition…dead to self…dead to doing…and yes, my dear friends and acquaintances, dead to you!”