e-THERAPY

The night was still and mild, but Eileen walked to her car as though fighting gale force winds. She was battling herself: her heart said go, but her gut said no. She walked as if at any moment she might stop, turn around and run into the house, forgetting this whole stupid idea. She would just go back inside, go to bed and stay off the computer for the next month or so. He'd eventually leave her alone, she thought, if he didn't see her online for a long time. He'd give up on her. It doesn't matter what he'll think or how he'll feel four or five weeks from now. He didn't know her, or where she lived. And thank God she never gave him her phone number! It seemed capricious, earlier, when she explained why she would meet him in person but not give out her phone number. Meeting someplace in public away from home was safer, she believed. He can't harass her or stalk her, and if she decided now to turn around and go back inside, she would never have to face his disappointment, or his anger. That was the beauty of this online relationship, she thought. You can just leave it behind - shut it off not face it. But she also knew he had given something to her life. He was there for her and listened to her in a way that no one else had. He knows me. He knows the real me! There was no turning back. Battling the excitement that propelled her to go on was a nagging inner voice telling her this was crazy and stupid and just plain wrong. For some reason, she kept imagining what Michelle would say to her now. She pictured Michelle's face and its look of shock and incredulity. Michelle would never do anything like this. Maybe that's what made this so appealing. This was something that Eileen would never do either. This was not like Eileen. But Eileen didn't want to be Eileen anymore. She had spent her life pleasing others, and where had it gotten her? She wanted to please herself for once! She pulled out of the driveway, her car moving with more speed and confidence than her walk. She just wanted to get there now; just get there and see what this guy looked like. The second-guessing was dimming now. She was excited about her little 'date.' How was this any different than meeting someone from a personal ad? How was it different than any other blind date? If a friend introduced you to a guy, and you arranged to go out for a drink or dinner, how safe would that be? Is that really any different from what she was doing, she thought. She was lost in her thoughts as she drove down North Delano Turnpike toward South Ridge Mall. Her eyes fixed on the radio as Endless Love started playing. It was her and Ron's song. Maybe love was endless, she thought, just not with the same person. What a hypocrite that bastard was. It was his idea for the song, too. He wanted to have a family with her. He wanted to retire early so they could move to a warmer climate, maybe Georgia or South Carolina, but definitely not Florida. Oh yes, he was going to be the family man. Each year they would be the ones to host the holidays, he had said. Theirs would be the house where the others could gather. The families would come from all over to celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas with Ron and Eileen, he'd planned. They would be the rock that others could turn to for support. It would always be that way, on and on and on, endlessly. What a happy loving couple growing old together, enjoying their golden years with their children and grandchildren. Endless love. That's the way it was going to be; but that never happened. He was too selfish or ambitious or self-centered, and these plans were derailed long before they ever got started. He didn't want children, and the bastard convinced her that she didn't want them either. Moreover, the way things were going, she could have ended up in a marriage just like her mother's battered, abused, put down, and alone. She changed the station before the song could further enrage her, searching the dial before finally shutting the radio off. She pulled off Delano Turnpike and onto Commons way, the entrance road that heads directly to Macy's on the west side of the Mall. The stores had closed, and the parking lot was empty except for several cars scattered around. The silence in her car seemed loud with the radio off and her heart thumping loudly. She shivered, not from a chill but from nervousness, or maybe it was from excitement, or most likely from both. She felt as though she had to use the bathroom. What would he look like? Would he be tall? Maybe he's just some fat, bald guy, she thought. What good looking guy spends his time the way he did on the computer?